The noise I hear.

Tinnitus. Pretty much defined as some kind ringing or buzzing on the ears. The way that I often explain it is that I hear an extra sound that no one else can hear. For anyone who has it severe it can be a private kind auditory hell.  Not unlike me calling Visual Snow VS for the rest of the post. Any time use the term "the noise" I am talking about my tinnitus.

I've had tinnitus to some extent all of my life. The more I look back on things the more I realize that as I have gotten older the worse the noise has gotten. When I was younger it use to come and go at random. Sometimes it would last for a few moments. Other times a few days. But it always went away. Always in the form of a high pitched tone. Think of a TV station that goes to bars and tone. Trying to listen to that tone for any amount of time. For me however it has gotten to the point that with in the last decade or more I now suffer with the noise 24/7.  It is always present with no "off" switch.

The reality is I suffer with this daily. To say the noise is annoying to listen to day in day out is putting it mildly. For the most part the range and pitch of the noise stays at a constant level. Though at times it can jump up with out warning and stay like that for more than a few days. Making an already bad condition even worse. It can push me to my limits.

What adds to it is that the noise creates a slew of extra problems that people may not even connect with tinnitus. In my case over the course of a decade or more. I've lost about 40% of the High frequency range of my hearing in my left ear. About 60% of the HF range in my right ear. What that boils down to is that I'm losing my hearing. For every bit of hearing that I lose. The noise gets progressively worse. The kicker is part of the hearing loss is directly due to the noise because it is over powering my hearing.

I guess the way that I look at it is that I am dealing with pain in a level that cannot be fully explained. It is not pain in a traditional psychical sense. Hearing the noise day in and day out gets old in a hurry and can wear you thin. I wake up in the morning with the noise already bad and just stays like that. It has reached a point that being in quiet rooms or hearing low electronic hums like from a computer fan can aggravate things. I don't know what silence is.

Because of the nature of tinnitus. At least in my area where I live. Their are no effective treatments. I've been told by some very good specialists that their is no hope or cure. That the noise will get worse. Which only adds to the frustration.

As a general rule I don't like talking about this. I don't like sharing with how this is impacting me on any level. I find that complaining about what I deal with doesn't do me any favors down the road. But I've also come to realize that sometimes you have to open up. You have to share what your fighting on a daily level. People are not going to know unless you open up and explain the challenges involved. If anything I hope you've gained some insight into this condition. If I've been able to do that. Then I consider myself blessed.

By the Grace of God I'm still standing.

-JM