Night has fallen once again, and I turn off the lights around me. It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The only light that is in the room come from outside and of course the usual LED from a clock and whatever devices happen to be around. For most this is a normal part of life. For me however, I see something very different. In the past such a sight would have freaked me out. Sending my anxiety into dangerous orbit. These days however I sit and look around me with an odd sort of fascination. Curious as to how our systems can generate so much internal conflict. It is an amazing and scary world to live in. Welcome to the world of Visual Snow.
The best explanation for what Visual Snow (VS) is for me is that I see a constant static in my field of vision. It almost seems like I'm watching snow on an old analog TV. That really isn't the best understanding that I have. It almost looks like a transparent snowstorm. Or worse like billions of grains of sand suspended in the air all around me that is constantly moving in place. You almost want to reach out and grab some with your hand. Yet you are unable to. Since it is both close and far at the same time. The mind is having a hard time trying to process what you are trying to see. It is constant and it is endless.
As I've reflected on this condition and all that is involved. I've come to suspect that this has been a slow gradual development since I was a kid. Given that I've had tinnitus in some form since my childhood this does not come as a surprise for me. A logical conclusion given that in so many ways tinnitus and VS go hand in hand. Many of us with VS also have tinnitus and at times a host of secondary issues that are all interconnected. Though not fully understood by doctors or science. I could go on about the various issues that I have. The one that tends to bother me the most is the severe sensitivity to light. Bad enough that I can't go outside without sunglasses unless I want my eyes to hurt.
With any chronic condition as time moves on, we learn how to deal with it as best we can. I'm not sure I will ever understand this nature of Visual Snow. Trying to figure out the ins and outs of what is going on. I do understand how it can affect me on some days. More so if it's a bit more overcast than I would like. Even on normal sunny days I'm not fully spared the effects. Still, you figure out how to navigate life as best as you are able. One of the issues I tend to deal with is at night. Since the snow tends to be at it's worse. Limiting my ability to see in the dark or low light rooms since the snow fills my field of vision completely. It is not the end of the universe. Just something that I have to live with.
In the past this condition would have sent my anxiety into dangerous orbit. Because (mainly at night) when you're looking into the dark room all you see is the snow. Knowing that you are the only one who can see this. As the years have moved on my own fear as lessened. I know that despite some limitations that I have. This isn't something that will hurt me (in a normal sense). It is still a bit disturbing to see this static. Yet it has also become a point of fascination and curiosity. I'm still trying to make sense of what it is that I see. It has taken me a long time to reach this point. To make peace with this condition even when I'm having a rough day of it. Not always easy. But that is to be expected on the road of life. Just another lesson I've learned from walking in my own shoes.
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